Tell Your Story

It would be an understatement to say that the book of Isaiah is a difficult read. The prophecies are confusing, the chapters are long, and in my opinion, the author is kind of crazy. I read Isaiah for seven months in Bible Reading Fellowship and every week prompted a blend of hopeful joy and piercing guilt.

Throughout this lent season it made me self reflect by on my life and how I came so far to be thankful and joyful. I wasn’t always thankful for the lord as I had faced a lot of challenges that made me question my love for him. Growing up I didn’t have the confidence or strength to achieve my goals in life. My biggest struggle within myself was that I lacked the confidence that I can accomplish things in life as I have a lot of self-doubts and am fearful of failure. For most of my life, I have been searching for true happiness through friendships and success. However, my success has always been hindered by fearfulness and doubtfulness. There have been times when my emotions overcome me and I just break down believing that I should just give up. Growing up in a family where I felt unsafe and scared, I had developed this sense of insecurity and I have always been afraid of reaching my full potential.

I remember the first time a man broke my heart. I was only four years old and already understood what abandonment felt like. I remember waiting for him, treating every day like it was the night before Christmas. My mother was torn. I remember she went to early morning prayer without missing a single day. She always dragged me along. I was super cranky, until one early morning, I heard a whisper. I usually slept next to my praying mother on those sanctuary benches with velvet stitching, but one morning I woke up to the sound of my mom crying. I tried to get her to open her eyes but she was so deep into her prayer. After several ignored attempts, I decided to go down to the cafeteria and get her muffins or tissues or anything to stop her from crying. Heading out of the chapel, I was so heartbroken and couldn’t help but think, “I wish Dad was here to cheer her up.” Suddenly, the softest presence enveloped me. I turned to see if someone had mistakenly brushed up against me, but it was obvious that what I felt was not another’s touch. I remember this experience like it happened yesterday –the comforting touch of warmth and peace that spiraled all over me. I was so overwhelmed by tranquility and assurance that I shed a tear. This was my first interaction with God.

Presenting a public prayer to the Lord:

God, I ask for nothing but the ability to be sincere with my words. At this moment, I want to be honest before You, for vulnerability opens a deep chest in my heart, filled with my self reflections and greatest sorrows towards myself and society.

In Mark 9, there is a passage where a father goes to Jesus to ask him to heal his son. However, he displays a lack of faith in Jesus’ potential. Jesus sees this and questions his faith, and immediately the man cries out to help him for his lack of faith. Just like the man, I too lacked faith.

or the longest time, I thought I understood the gospel well. Or well enough. Growing up in the church, I heard countless times “God loves you”, “Jesus loves you”. Jesus died on the cross. Rose again. For me me me. Y’all know the gist. My understanding was changed when I went to a retreat this past fall.

There is hope for me, a sinner, because of what Jesus, my Christ, has done. Should this lead me to relief? Absolutely. Should this leave me the same? Absolutely not.

I hate it when things don’t go the way that I planned. When I was young, I thought I would have my dream job and live a life that I dreamed of living by the age of 25. Here I am, at the age of 25, still struggling to graduate college unsure of what I want to do with my life when everyone around me has a job, graduating to get a job, or even attending graduate school pursuing their dream. It seems like everyone around me has a clear vision of what they want to do except me. I started to compare myself to others and seeing where I am now, and where they are, I began to question my existence and my purpose. Why did God create me? What is his purpose in my life? Not knowing the answer, all I could do was try my best with everything that was given to me at the moment.

On January 1, after the Grace Church New Year service, we were given the opportunity to choose a random bible verse card to take home with us and meditate on throughout the year. The one I chose blindly was this:

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:31-34)

Not too long ago, church slowly started to become just a habit for me. I felt like I didn’t have a concrete reason to continue going.  After serving at my church’s ministry for many years, it felt like I was giving up all my time while receiving nothing in return. It felt like God wasn’t recognizing

Having grown up as a Christian, the idea that God sent Christ to die for our sins because he loves us was something I heard time and time again. It’s something that every Christian is told to believe in, but I never really understood the weight of these words. I would always say “God loves me” and “Jesus died for my sins,” but looking back now, I know that I didn’t truly believe what I was saying. I had just been repeating empty words that I was told were true without any conviction. I only began to believe and hope in these truths after I turned away from God.

I used to be able to make grand promises in faith to God.

In summary, these prayers sounded similar to the following:

“God, I thank you for an amazing reminder of your Word this Sunday. Lord, I feel so on fire for you right now… so much that this week I promise to keep all of your commandments. Not even the devil can bring me down.”

Before retreat started, I was confident that I was a believer and had a firm relationship with God. Turns out, I didn’t know what it meant to have faith. I always thought it was just saying I believed that I had faith from the start of my Christian life. On the first day of retreat, my small group teacher asked us, “Are you a Christian? If so, prove it.” This question changed my life because, through my inability to answer confidently, I was able to see where I really was in my relationship with God. Once small group ended, I could not forget that question because of its great impact on me. After all of this, I felt there was something in my heart preventing me from reaching out to God. There was an unknown obstacle in my way. When Pastor Patrick from retreat told us to come to the front to pray, with doubts that this prayer would actually have any real impact on me, I went up. The moment Pastor Patrick told us to pray that all of our distractions would go away, I realized my mind was very clouded and I had a very hard time focusing and concentrating on prayer. He also said we have to take a leap of faith and pray out loud. I was not used to praying out loud because I feared other people’s judgment, but soon I realized that doesn’t matter as long as God is on my side. The very moment I felt all my distractions go away, I was truly able to pray and that is when I heard God’s voice say, “Joshua, love Jesus.” At first, I was really confused and thought I was making words up in my mind. But, I realized it wasn’t me simply talking to myself. God’s words left a huge impact on me and led me to truly believe in God’s presence. I realized how prayer was so good for me and how I am so privileged to have such a loving and caring God. I was able to pray confidently knowing that God will always give His answer as long as I have faith and believe that He is with me. That day I was able to let go of so many things that were weighing me down.