Do Not Be Anxious : Hannah Yoon
Matthew 6:31-34 (ESV)
31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘what shall we drink?’ or “What Shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 32 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
On January 1, after the Grace Church New Year service, we were given the opportunity to choose a random bible verse card to take home with us and meditate on throughout the year. The one I chose blindly was this:
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:31-34)
This year, I turn 29 years old, which means I am very close to turning 30. There is something with getting older that is exciting and I have great expectations for it. The older you are, the wiser you become. Older people have more security. Older people have more independence. 30 is also the new 40! And though I have been excited for this moment for the past six years, I am also filled with a creeping, crippling anxiety.
I can’t speak for the experience of others, but for me, getting older has come with many societal expectations. Years ago, I thought that I would have been living on my own, married, and perhaps even with a child by the time I turned thirty. I have none of these things so far, and this has been a source of stress, especially in the past couple of years. I’ve cried more tears from feeling lonely, unloved, and unwanted than I’d like to admit. I’m ashamed to tell people that I “still live at home, with my parents and dog” because I assume that the person with whom I’m speaking will think I am immature. Each time I share about my living situation and my inexistent marital status, I try to speak past these things quickly so that I don’t have to explain myself or think about it.
Faced with these pressures, I decided to put my fate in my own hands. I tried to seek a partner through my own ways and in the ways that are so normal in our secular culture, but by doing that I started to justify my sins and become complacent and numb. Then, these romantic partners were not turning into potential husbands, and I was repeatedly rejected. With each rejection came pain that became feelings of worthlessness. Having to go to family gatherings also brings pain, because at every family reunion, I, and my single status, become a topic of interest.
I’ve tried to tell myself that I trust in God’s timing and God’s plan, but when I look to my future goals and desires, I am crushed that things are not going the way I had planned. For the past year, I would repeatedly fall into a spiral of anxiety and experience waves of loneliness, worthlessness, bitterness, and jealousy of others.
God says that we should not be worried about our future, but that we should seek first God’s kingdom and righteousness. For the past couple of years, my focus has been on me and the things I wanted for myself, and when things don’t go the way I plan, I become anxious. Instead, He has reminded me that the most important thing I should focus on is my relationship with God every single day, be grateful, and find my fulfillment in Him.
Though I’ve been going through waves of anxiety and bitterness about this current state of affairs, I know God is using this time of uncertainty to remind me of the only thing that is certain—that despite the circumstances, God is still the same God, yesterday, today, and forever. God loves me so much that He gave His Son, Jesus, who died on the cross for my sins, even those that I have a hard time confessing, and he gives me hope that one day we will join Him in eternity. The most important future I should be anticipating is that day when I am reunited with Him. Therefore, I pray that I will let go of the anxieties and bitterness that come with my desire to control the future and instead trust what God has in store for me.