Surrendering All : Anonymous
Psalms 13:1-6 (ESV)
1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? 2 How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? 3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, 4 lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken. 5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. 6 I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.
Presenting a public prayer to the Lord:
God, I ask for nothing but the ability to be sincere with my words. At this moment, I want to be honest before You, for vulnerability opens a deep chest in my heart, filled with my self-reflections and greatest sorrows towards myself and society.
My problem with wanting acceptance is so severe. I never had a loving family, a close-knit group of friends, and a church to call “family”. I became incapable of feeling emotions. Being let down by everyone, not being able to feel the love from others, passions becoming routines, my life became an empty canvas with nothing to look forward to. High Functional Depression and High Sensitivity defined my life. Oblivious, I would continuously think I was feeling something in my heart-love for everything I do-but it was never there. Telling myself, I have deep regards towards something I know I absolutely love doing was a repeated thought to feel sane. I went from wanting love and happiness to incapable of grasping it. This created a barrier in my life: sitting alone in a vacant room not knowing how fast time is passing. Slowly, the ability to feel emotions disappeared, and I normalized it. Opening this chest of heavy burdens, I stretch my hand out towards the sky. With your power, help me let everything go.
The hardest part of moving past is realizing your wishes cannot fulfill reality’s standards. I have hopes of getting past my resentment for the people in and out of my life, but it is incredibly difficult when I’ve been constantly living in a deep well. Unable to ask people for help because you’re scared of being hurt and encountering the same misconceptions of “happiness” and “love” is the greatest issue that I have never been able to get past. That one life-changing experience helped reach a high point in life I thought I wasn’t worthy enough to reach, but it brought me immense heartaches and sleepless nights of crying. And, the community that made me feel like family crumbled. From being sought after to not getting a single hello, I kept blaming myself for the problems that occurred and the division between. The amount of effort to fix relationships was ignored, and I felt worthless. I excluded myself on purpose from various events because I thought the division was my fault. I never wanted to let anything go because I was able to meet You again through my team and community; however, it was a false input repeatedly replayed in my head. In reality, You were not present. These relationships were not working because You were not there anymore. Eternal joy became temporary happiness and love became greed, and when I lost them, I was distressed and angry with everyone especially myself.
All I am asking for are answers. I come in prayer to seriously lay everything at Your feet and in repentance for relying on strength and feelings to dictate what true love and joy are. I felt empty and unsafe, but now I want to not feel, but be in comfort. I know You have placed yourself in between all of us, working within each of our hearts regardless of how hardened they are, and I pray the continuous reminders of your steadfast heartbeats when all fail. I want to be able to have full forgiveness for them and the ability to express my love and thankfulness before it’s too late. You have gifted me the power of voice, and I pray that I am able to grow confidence in communicating my struggles with You. I pray that grudge and being hesitant do not create an underlying judgment towards the people that have hurt me, but gratitude and care in teaching me life-changing lessons. I pray that I am to put down every lonesome thought, bitterness, and worries and prepare a room in my heart in remembrance of Your everlasting and never-changing love. You’ve always tried to make way within every situation, and in those very slight moments, I felt the greatest burst of emotions. This prayer is not only for the new chapter in my life but a continuing journey in my walk with Jesus.
In Jesus’s Name, I pray, Amen.