Not A Boom Moment : Chris Lee
Mark 9:24 (ESV)
24 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!”
In Mark 9, there is a passage where a father goes to Jesus to ask him to heal his son. However, he displays a lack of faith in Jesus’ potential. Jesus sees this and questions his faith, and immediately the man cries out to help him for his lack of faith. Just like the man, I too lacked faith.
Growing up, I attended service every week, served on the praise team, and regularly
participated in church activities. Because of this, I was 100% sure of my faith. Yet during Youth Group Winter Retreat in 2018, I was met with the thought of whether I knew God or not. So, during prayer, I prayed desperately to receive a sign from God. I told God that I wasn’t going to move from that spot until I got an answer and I was even ready to lose my legs (because I was kneeling), but I received nothing from Him. Though I didn’t get what I wanted, I knew that I wanted to keep fighting to know God.
After the retreat, I struggled to worship. How could I praise God when I don’t know him?
There were times when I would not sing because the lyrics talked about how great God was. I would also purposely come late to church to skip out on praise because of how discouraging it was. I didn’t know what to do - every week was the same, and I would just get more and more discouraged to the point where I would cry with frustration. I felt like God gave me an answer by introducing me to BRF (Bible Reading & Fellowship) on Mondays). Because of BRF, I found a reason to be “forced” to read the Bible.
I wanted to continue to know God more, and my opportunity came by serving in Wales.
As I was serving, a Welsh pastor was preaching and said, “When you wait patiently for Jesus, you will be blessed.” He gave an example of the hog roast they hold seasonally which was delayed by the rain, but when they (the churches and missionaries in Wales) eventually had it, it was worth the wait because it was delicious. In the beginning of my struggle, I wanted a sign immediately, but I realized that instead of removing my doubt by being given a “boom” moment (where everything happens immediately), my faith is like a marathon, so as I continue to go on my path, God will slowly reveal things to me.
Subconsciously, I knew that I could never know God if I didn’t read the Bible, but the truth is that I am very lazy in my faith and even though I know that I have to, I do not want to challenge myself in the faith. That winter retreat, the guest speaker shared about Psalm 1 and said we can choose between the Word and the world, and I still struggle in wanting to choose the Word. I am writing this because during the same retreat, the pastor said that “to love is to be vulnerable” (from C.S. Lewis), and the opportunity to talk with others about personal struggles is not there all the time, so I wanted to share my testimony. I also wanted to share this with our church because for those who are struggling with the same thing, I want this to be encouraging because others may also be seeking answers. This is not to say that I received an answer from God, but He gave me a realization that what I was doing was wrong and there was another way I could approach it.