Like the Deer : Danielle Kim
Habakkuk 3:17-19 (ESV)
17 Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, 18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. 19 GOD, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer he makes me tread on my high places.
Ever since I was saved, my attitude toward the world and the people around me was to accept them. Who I am, who people are, my circumstances and my situations are just what they are. All I had to do was learn to live with it. But I’ve come to realize that accepting is completely different than wishing. I’ve always accepted my life and the circumstances I am in, but, deep inside, I wish things were different. I wish things were better.
I would be lying if I said these past few years weren’t hard. Every second, at times, seems like a struggle, but isn’t that just the way it’s supposed to be? This way of thinking has slowly turned me apathetic. I find myself always saying, “It’s okay. It’ll be fine,” telling myself I just have to accept my life as it is. When I feel like the people around me are hurting me, I feel like my job is to just accept them for who they are. If my circumstances seem unfair, that’s just life and I should just take it as it is. This way of thinking has helped me not get too emotional, and it’s made it easier to let go of things that bother me. But it didn’t expel the wants and desires in my heart. It did nothing for my desire to have a different life, a better one.
I’m so prone to magnify the bad and overlook the good. It’s way easier to think and dwell on the things that went wrong or the things that shouldn’t have happened. I can think hours on end about my hurts and misfortunes, but I’ll only give a quick prayer of thanks for the good. I see it so much with school. I found myself complaining about the little things. Now that I’m back in school, I’m busier than ever. It’s the kind of busy where every second feels used, and you find yourself unaware that you’ve skipped meals and lost sleep. But nothing can be done because there’s just not enough time in a day. In my head I’ve accepted that this is what it means to be a student; this is my life. But in my heart, I’m unhappy, yearning for things to be different.
One day I was sharing one of my favorite Bible verses with my mom (Habakkuk 3: 17-19). It brought back a lot of memories, and I was inclined to read over a Bible Study I had prepared for this specific book. I read this book back when I was a Youth Group Teacher. I remember when reading about Habakkuk’s life, I felt like I related too much with him. He writes this long list of his hurts, the injustices that he has faced. The crazy thing is God listens to him. He hears his arguments and even understands why Habakkuk feels the way he does. However, in the end, he offers a song of praise; not because circumstances have changed. Instead, he shifts his focus on what is really important. He reminds himself of God’s steadfastness even in his times of trouble. Like a deer, on rocky terrain, has his eyes up, Habakkuk declares that he will look up and forward.
Even though I thought I was silently suffering, giving up my wants to follow obediently, God has heard every desire of my heart. He understands my circumstances, and he knows the fears, the letdowns I have faced. He has listened to my complaints, nodding along to the unfairness life offers. He has loved me through it all and has delivered me through every stage of my life. He has brought me so far on these rocky terrains, these high places. So how can I stay in this stage of ungratefulness? Like Habakkuk, I must refocus myself on how unfailing my God has been.
For a long time, I thought that I was the accepting one; trying to be okay with whatever God threw at me. But, in retrospect, it was God who was the most accepting of me. To have listened to my thoughts and my hurts for so long, yet still he accepts me. He loved me regardless and held me through it all. So even when it’s hard to accept my life and its circumstances I will say, “yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. GOD, the Lord, is my strength.”