I Am Loved : Andrew Lee
1 John 4:8-11 (ESV)
8 Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. 10 In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
My mother decided to start her missions right before my junior year, an important period for my education. When I asked her why, she answered: “God is telling me to”. I have always been told that God loves me; Jesus loves me. But at that moment, I could not feel it. At first, I directed my anger towards my mother but eventually came to the realization that it was not her. I blamed God for stripping me of my home, friends, family, future and my whole world as I knew it. This bitterness only festered during my 3 years in this foreign land and eventually evolved into hatred. I was stuck in my lack of faith and was too stubborn to care. I was only attending church and playing on the praise team out of habit rather than glorifying God. Every Sunday soon turned into an anniversary of how much I hated God.
When I got back to New York at the age of 18, my heart had not improved. Depression and anxiety lurked everywhere I went and attacked my heart even in the happiest of places. Church, retreats, prayer meetings were all reminders on how alone and unloved I was. Until I went to the Stand-Up Winter Retreat of 2019.
I had signed up for the retreat out of habit again and not because I really wanted to meet God. I went because I was on the praise team and felt an obligation to “serve” and play music for the congregation. And that’s what I did. I went and played drums with my fellow praise team members and took shallow notes on the sermons as I sat by myself in the back-left corner of the room. All invitations to join the congregation during fellowship were quickly turned down as I settled into my position of isolation. As usual, a time of prayer followed the sermon. I didn’t feel like praying nor did I feel like receiving prayer, so I sunk deeper into the couch that I was cowering in and just played with my thumbs. I thought I would spend the night alone until I heard someone approaching me. When I had looked up it was a good friend and mentor standing in front of me. He grabbed my hands, asking me, “Can I pray for you?” and all I could do was nod my head. After a few minutes of listening to my friend’s prayer, God spoke to me. Not in a direct voice but as a realization in my heart. I thought I would spend the night without a single prayer, unloved but here I was with a friend praying for me even when I was actively avoiding the congregation. He went out of his way to find me and pray for me. God was telling me that He was the one who had sent my friend to pray for me. Not only to receive blessings, but to show me that God doesn’t always show His love through visions or through the Bible, but also through the brothers and sisters He has placed around me.
Now as a college dropout, dead-end employee, and a confused boy in life I still am reminded time and time again how much God loves me. He doesn’t see me as a failure of life but loves me as His Son. I pray that I will get to a point in my life where I am overflowing with God’s love which I can reciprocate towards others just as my friend did for me.