My Calling : Niki Song
John 21:18 (ESV)
18 Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.
I experienced my first Kingdom Series this last January. Anyone who has been to Kingdom Series knows how big a deal this is. At the time, I thought nothing of it. Even though I was hearing from so many that it would be such a life-changing experience and how much I would love it, I took it very casually and honestly did not have any expectations. Even signing up for it was a very passing moment for me. I casually mentioned to a friend that I had never been to Kingdom Series and he instantly signed me up. To make sure I would go, he even paid my fee so I could not back out. I laughed it off and went on with my week.
At the time, I was going through a very rocky season. I was experiencing a lot of difficulties, and quite honestly having a bit of an identity crisis. I wasn’t aware of how much all of my struggles were adding up. Slowly, they were chipping away at who I thought I was. Eventually, I was at a point where I felt like I had to give myself ultimatums and trap myself into corners. I was stuck not knowing if I was a true Christian. I was being torn by who I was before and who I have become. I wasn’t sure if I could really uphold myself as a Christian for the rest of my life.
The first night after Kingdom Series, I was given such stark reminders of my past. I was invited to a birthday party with many of my old friends. To be completely transparent, I was not a very good person in the past. I saw a lot of people who did not have a favorable opinion of me. Even my old friend (the birthday boy) and I had a falling out many years ago for some of the things that I was falling into and my lifestyle changes that I was indulging in. But God revealed Himself to me in that moment of weakness at the party. The most common question you get when meeting old friends or people you knew in your past is, “What have you been up to?” Honestly, looking back at my entire year, I had nothing else to say but I met God. I have never told so many people that I met God in a single night ever before. God literally made me proclaim and remember all the things He has done for me.
The second night of Kingdom Series ends with a big prayer. God had really high expectations for me. He was looking for some big things from me that night. I knew this because when I started to pray for things that I always pray for, He immediately silenced Himself to me. He wanted me to search deeper. So I searched and searched, but I failed. I was lost. I was frustrated and again started to fall back into questioning if I was even a Christian or if I could continue being a Christian. But what do you do when you can’t pray for yourself? Ask others to pray for you. I received prayer and was told to read John 21:18. “Truly truly I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you to a place you do not want to go.” Everything I was struggling with was clearly summed up for me. This spoke to me about my past –how I took care of myself and did whatever I wanted. But in the future, the thing I was so worried about, He would take care of it all. He would dress me, just as Ephesians 6:11 talks about. He would carry me, allowing me to not have to worry about making it to the place. However, it was this last portion of the verse that brought me to a screeching halt. A place I do not want to go? What does this mean? What could it mean? For me, it was to commit myself to the Lord fully. It was to realize how much I truly want to do everything for Him. Even if this all means I might be going to places I do not want to go, if the Lord commands it and the Lord allows me to be a part of it, I will follow!
It has been a month since this revelation happened and I can say that I have really been following Jesus to the best of my ability. I’m listening to Him and constantly asking Him what I should do. He has shown me so much more. He has opened so many doors for me. He has given me so much more grace and mercy, and now I can proudly and shamelessly say I want to be a teacher of His word. I want to lead the next generation to Jesus. I will continually ask God for more confirmation that I would receive His blessings. Only by His grace could I keep moving towards becoming a pastor.