Trusting In Him : Joanna Yoon
Proverbs 3:5-6(ESV)
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Growing up as an immigrant, I always told myself I could only gain happiness from working hard. I always struggled with a sense of belonging and I still struggle with it wherever I go. I always asked God why he has placed me here in New York. I blamed him and asked him why he gave me many hardships. I asked him every night, “God, why do you want me to suffer? Why do you keep making my family suffer?”. If good people went to heaven, I thought my family at least did not have to struggle so much day to day.
My life in Korea was very different. I lived in one of the best neighborhoods in the country. I never had to worry about anything besides school and I thought this was how everyone lived. This changed when one day, I moved to New York. All the changes happened so quickly. I woke up every morning hoping that it was all a dream. I wished that I would wake up on my nice mattress under my lavender sheets. Instead, I woke up on a springy mattress under the harsh sheets given to my family. During that time I did not even go to church. I never even thought about going to church but I still blamed God or “whoever is up there” for taking away everything from me.
Every morning, I told myself I could only trust in myself and just work hard to get back everything that was taken away from my family. I spent my college years sleeping ten hours from Monday to Friday and graduated with a job as a Graphic Designer at NBC. I thought, if God existed, he was finally rewarding me after all these years of suffering. I thought my happiness lied in my achievements, but this was a total misconception. I always felt some kind of deep emptiness in my heart. I was not sure what it was until I went to church a few years ago. As soon as I walked into the dark chapel and heard praise, I started to cry. It was my first time in so long that I felt so much joy and happiness. I was blown away by every single word from the praise and sermons. It gave me so much comfort and took away the burdens that had been weighing on my shoulders. I then knew that God was telling me this is what I had been missing in my life.
It’s so easy to forget how God has thoughtfully and carefully planned so much in our lives. I always blamed him for making my parents work six or sometimes seven days a week, putting me into a language barrier at school or work and making me feel like I do not belong anywhere. But I know now that God has placed me in this place with a purpose. Working hard in New York helped me realize a big missing piece in my life. It took time, but God has shown me in so many ways why I had to be placed here this way. Although I sometimes go through phases of doubt, I know God has put me in a situation for a reason and has greater things planned for me. I thank Him so much for making my family go through hardship. My family has gained so much happiness here. Because I moved here, I was able to find out what I wanted to do at such a young age. He also led me to church to meet Him and experience the Holy Spirit in my heart. I trust in the Lord with all my heart, to not rely on my own understanding but to rely on his plans and his greatness.