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Growing up, my family always seemed like a fairly normal one. I lived with both parents, they ran a successful business, we were financially stable, I was a good student; we had most things a typical Korean-American family hoped for and dreamed of. However, the reality was that we were a pretty broken family. My father dealt with severe anger and drinking issues which led to frequent physical and verbal abuse, and my mother suffered from epilepsy since childhood so I grew up being her caretaker whenever my father was away on a business trip. I regularly watched her collapse and have seizures. This comprised most of my life until I entered college, which was when everything began to change.
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I think I always struggled with my self-image. It was hard for me, growing up, not to compare myself with others. I always obsessed over the things I lacked in, focusing and emphasizing on my failures rather than my accomplishments. In my mind, I thought I had to stay humble, and to keep myself humble I told myself that I wasn't good enough for good things. Whenever I felt a little proud or encouraged, my immediate reaction was to tell myself that it's not a big deal. How could I see myself as anything worthwhile? It was God who made me who I am. For years I reminded myself over and over again that my life was insignificant.
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Relationships with people can often feel very fleeting and empty. This may be why I struggle with loneliness so immensely. There isn’t a real way for me to portray how it feels. But if I had to it’s almost as if no matter how many friendships or relationships I have, it won’t fill this immense hole that I have in me.
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It's so easy for us to feel like we are not good enough or inadequate when we compare ourselves to others.
The writer of Psalm 73, Asaph felt the same way as he looked at the lives of the ungodly around him.
They seemed to be prospering and increasing in everyway compared to him.
But when he began to look to God for comfort and strength, he was reminded of the promised ending, a glory in eternity with God.
I always knew that I was an anxious person. I get easily nervous and I am the type of guy who gets worried about pretty much everything. There have been nights I couldn’t fall asleep because I tend to overthink things that already happened or things that didn’t happen yet (i.e. things that I have no control over).
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All my life, I’ve sought after two basic things: security and purpose. From my youth I was taught that God is omnipotent and omnipresent – all-powerful. And this almighty God sent Jesus to die for the world’s sins, including mine, so I should be thankful and worship Him.
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My last name, “Parroco”, even translates to “parish”, so my name literally translates to Jamie House of God. You can’t get more “Christian” than my family, and you couldn’t get more “Christian” than me growing up...until I started college.
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