Raise a Hallelujah : Grace Kim
Isaiah 43:3 (ESV)
For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV)
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
Anxiety has been something I spoke a lot about in recent years, especially after giving birth. Initially, I didn't think my anxiety would be diagnosed as a long-term disorder. I thought of it as only a slight disruption of my emotions, usually heightened by stress during overwhelming moments of balancing marriage life, motherhood, and my full time job in the fashion industry. My job was unsupportive in many ways. My bosses expected their employees to devote their entire lives to nothing but clothing, and sadly this was the case no matter which clothing company I switched over to. I couldn't take it anymore and prayed to God asking what His plans were for me. I made the bold move to leave the industry in 2019. People around me questioned our family's financial status and I felt pushed into a corner of guilt and shame.
One day in May 2019, I woke up feeling pain. Unfamiliar with this type of pain and with my wishful thinking that the pain would eventually go away, I chose to ignore it. However, the pain escalated in June and I began fearing the worst. What if it’s my appendix?? What if something is wrong with my colon or stomach?? While visiting my mom in Maryland, I went with her to her gastroenterologist. I underwent a quick examination and the doctor told me I had a hernia that needed immediate attention. I was so scared and I began to pray that entire week. The following day or so, I had a dream of a man telling me not to worry because there were no holes in my body that were left unhealed. While this man was speaking to me, Reckless Love, a song by Cory Asbury, was playing. I woke up feeling confused. I was still battling the fear of being sick but the Lord knew exactly what I was going through. Regardless of my dream, I rushed back to NYC and went to see my doctor. She told me I didn't have a hernia but since I kept insisting, she scheduled me for a pelvic ultrasound. The results revealed a cyst that burst in my right ovary. When I went to see my OB, she told me everything should be fine now since the cyst had already burst. Despite what the doctors were telling me, my body was feeling more and more sick each day. I was suffering with new symptoms such as nausea, dizziness, unbearable headaches, pain in my left arm and stomach, heartache, feeling faint and actually fainting, and many others. At this point, I did everything I could to try to figure out what was wrong with me. I changed my PCP twice, went to the ER several times, had my blood drawn and tested three times, had heart monitors hooked up to me, got several sonograms, ultrasounds, MRIs, and an endoscopy. The results from each and every test came back as normal. Nothing was wrong with me. The doctors ran out of answers. From June 2019 to September 2019, I went to the doctor every single day. Finally, the doctor sat me down and told me I have Chronic Anxiety Disorder which is triggered through stress and my daily life patterns. This is a general outline of what I was going through physically.
As my emotional, mental, and physical health was deteriorating from June to December, something incredible was happening to my spiritual health. I heard the Lord calling me. In the beginning of my battle, I was so confused and didn't know why this was happening. I knew I had no one else to turn to except God, so I called out to him. I literally yelled out to him for the first month but he was so silent that I felt I was crying to a blank wall. Annoyed by my “complaints” of pain and feeling “sick”, understandably, my family turned away. Several doctors said I was fine. People thought I was making up excuses to have a reason to not go back to work. Friends and others around me began questioning me in every possible way. Then, they started suggesting I need to pray and repent, be motivated, stop being lazy, stop making excuses, get spiritual training for my depression, etc. Not a single hand was stretched out to hold mine. Everyone had all these questions and comments, yet no one was willing to walk with me. But, one day, I began seeing the Lord move. He sent two specific sisters my way. They came to me like angels, quietly and softly. They cried with me, prayed with me, ate with me, and laughed with me. When I was too sick in bed, they prayed over me the entire day. They willingly put their responsibilities and their families aside to pray for me and with me. As they were encouraging me, I heard the Lord finally respond. “My daughter, you are not spiritually depressed. You are not lazy. You are not depressed. You don't need motivation for I am motivating you my way. I don't need anything else from you except for you to be my servant. Don't you remember the song I sang to you in your sleep? Reckless love? “There’s no shadow You won’t light up, Mountain You won’t climb up, Coming after me, There’s no wall You won’t kick down, Lie You won’t tear down, Coming after me.”
Since then, the Lord started speaking to me everyday through Isaiah 43. On one specific day, as I was reading the chapter and asking the Lord to lift away all my physical symptoms of anxiousness, I heard His bold yet soft voice rumble through my home walls and into my body. He pointed me back to Isaiah 43:10-12 and spoke to me daily until I understood why I was going through what I was going through. I finally said, “YES, Lord! Take me as I am. I lay down my family. I lay down my career. I lay down my life. I am yours and I will live the rest of my days for Jesus.” Everything was so clear. Why was I going through such a difficult storm of chronic anxiety? Why was everyone turning away from me? Why was I the subject of worldly judgement? Not only was I like Job, but also like Peter. Like Job, I was being tested on my faith. Like Peter, I was being questioned about my love for Jesus. Jesus was asking me everyday during my walk in the dark tunnel if I loved Him. He was there and He was walking with me. God was calling me to surrender. God was calling me to be His. He was answering my prayer on what His plans were for me --to be His servant. The two sisters who had been walking alongside me called me around the same time I was receiving all this wonderful affirmation from the Lord and they said they received the same while praying for me. They boldly encouraged me to be confident and immediately register for seminary school. When I began the application process, wonderful opportunities kept opening up. I successfully managed to get into the perfect program with no financial strain because by the grace of God, money was suddenly provided. He knew His plans for me but just needed me to love Him with all my heart, surrender, and say “Yes.”
In those gruesome nine months, I lost 27 to 30 lbs. People were worried and questioned if I was okay. They asked if I was on a diet and to prevent any further comments or rumors, I quickly responded with “I’m eating healthier because of my cholesterol.” BUT today, I can confidently tell you the whole truth. Friends, this is my battle scar. I survived a storm. I jumped the mountains and I slaughtered the enemy with the sword given to me through Christ and the Word of God. I would like to share some words from the song, Raise a Hallelujah.
“I raise a hallelujah, in the presence of my enemies. I raise a hallelujah, louder than the unbelief. I raise a hallelujah, my weapon is a melody. I raise a hallelujah, Heaven comes to fight for me. I’m gonna sing, in the middle of the storm. Louder and louder, you’re gonna hear my praises roar. Up from the ashes, hope will arise. Death is defeated, the King is alive.”
So whether today brings a rainy day or a sunny day, I have peace and joy in knowing Christ and knowing He is here with me. Friends, I know life is tough and we don’t have the perfect life with perfect people around us, but God really has a perfect plan for me and you. We fall into the enemy's lies because we can't let go of our sins that keep us chained. The lie that the enemy used to hold me hostage was my anxiety, but that has been broken now. No matter what the world tells you, there is complete freedom from anxiety. This is only through Jesus Christ. Bring yourself into His light. There is power in the name of Jesus. Lastly, I want to share with you this verse that I used as my weapon. This was my sword in battle, 2 Timothy 1:7. May the Power of Jesus bring you complete freedom and may His blood wash you clean and give you clarity to see the world through His lense. I love you all.
Side note: If you happened to be someone who commented or questioned me during my struggle, please don't feel bad. I understand. Through this journey, I grew to love every one of you so much regardless of all that has happened because He showed me how much He loves you and me.