Never Alone : Joan So
Deuteronomy 31:8 (ESV)
It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you nor forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.
Seasons of depression have been a part of my life for a few years now. In these seasons, I struggle with self-destructive thoughts and feelings of worthlessness. Last year, I went through a depressive season where I battled against the lies of the enemy. The lies constantly circled in my mind repeating, “No one will accept you and truly love you or care for you. No one will be there for you, you will be alone.”
As someone who grew up in a Christian family, accepted Christ in high school, recommitted to Him in college, served on worship team, read the Bible, and prayed to God -- I thought I had enough faith in Jesus to turn away from the lies. I thought I was able to fight the fight, but I couldn’t. My flesh was weak and I let the lies roam in my mind. I started to forget who I was in Christ.
My heart grew heavier each day. I distanced myself from the people around me because I didn’t want to burden them or receive judgment. I thought that my struggles weren’t worth sharing. As a result, it was so easy to isolate myself. However, the isolation didn’t help, it only hurt more. I prayed to God asking him why I was going through this again and again. My prayers consisted of complaints and frustrated questions and gradually I stopped praying. I knew in my head that the Gospel gave me true freedom and victory in Jesus. In Him there’s no need to worry or question my purpose in life, to have and act on self-destructive thoughts or to even consider ending my life. Even in knowing all of that, I struggled to fully believe the truth.
One night I reached a peak of overwhelmingly negative thoughts. I was desperate to get out of the cycle. I searched online ‘Bible verses for depression’ and I found a list and read through it. One of the verses I read was Deuteronomy 31:8. “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you nor forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”
After reading, I cried tears of pain that turned into joy. I was so afraid that God would leave me because I listened to the lies more than His truth. But in all the moments I turned away from God and wasn’t able to grasp His truth, God was with me. He was the one who brought this verse to me through the internet. He was the one who orchestrated each part of my life in the way that it was to bring glory to Him. I was the one who couldn’t see and trust in Him. I repented of my doubtful heart and rejoiced in His faithfulness.
I struggle with these negative thoughts and depressive seasons to this day. The lies of the enemy creep up and I get lost in them sometimes. It gets hard and difficult, but in my weak flesh I have the verse to remind myself of the truth. He is with me. He reminds me through His Word, His praises, church community, and even through our resources that God is with me. In my sadness, in my negative self-destructive thoughts, when I feel alone and not worth it, I don’t have to be afraid for I am safe and loved by God. I am not alone, for I have Jesus and I pray each day that He is enough.