He Is With Me : Yubin Kim
Psalms 23 (ESV)
1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. 3 He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
I don’t really like to share my personal life too much. I bottle up my feelings and Problems, resulting in no one knowing what I was going through. I never wanted to burden others with my problems when they already had their plate full of their own problems. Most of the time, I didn’t even realize that I was going through something. Instead, I would tell myself that it’ll get better with time and dismiss it.
This all started a few years ago when my dad passed away and I had no one to turn to. I didn’t have anyone to be there for me, to tell me that everything will be okay. My friend, whom I believed would always be here for me, moved away a few months before my dad passed. At first, I didn’t think much of her departure. It was only when my other friends moved away, that loneliness hit me. I began to shut people out of my life. I still talked to people but I didn’t allow myself to get close to them. It wasn’t intentional, it just came naturally, and I didn’t even realize that I was doing so.
After a few years, after encountering God through a retreat, I began to soften my hardened heart little by little. I thought I was finally okay with the losses that I experienced and God had healed me. I was wrong. My previous history with friends made me afraid to form close relationships. I made new friends but it is still very hard for me to open up. I thought by concealing myself, I was protecting myself. If I opened up to them and they ended up leaving, I know that I would never be able to get back up again. The people that I love and care for always ended up leaving me and I did not want to go through the pain of loss again. It scares me so much that the people I love will leave me and that I will be alone once again. I was recently reminded of Psalms 23. The moment I read this verse, I felt a sense of peace and assurance. The Lord is my Shepherd who will guide me in the darkness, and I have nothing to fear.
One thing that God has constantly reminded me of throughout my spiritual journey was that He is always with me. That never changes. No matter how many times I turned from Him, He never let go of my hand for a moment and waited patiently for me to return to him. He is surely a good God that I don’t deserve. I know that people are not meant to stay in my life forever. They leave and we move on, whether I like it or not. I’m still afraid -- that didn’t change -- but at least I know that the almighty Father is by my side.